I am the vice that brings dark clouds to hide the sunshine of the campus society. I am that beast, the one who laughs at you when you cry; the one who fills up his bank account while you starve. I am of the worst kind. You know the kind. I am that hypocritical kind that shelters you from the rain and sets you on fire. I am the king of bad boys. A million cultists cannot stand my villainy. I will consume student victimisation should it try to contest with me for the crown of wickedness. I am the stuff from which confusion is made. I am bad. I am ruthless. I am a politician.

Do not let anyone tell you anything different. Listen not to their heretic preaching when they tell you that I am redeemable. When I come to your front-door asking for votes, do well to remember, what I am really asking is this: sell to me your rights, let me squander it for you. When I smile at you and remember your name, do not think I care about you. You are nothing but a tool to me, a ticket to my Timbuktu, my political office of glamour. I am smart. Everything I do is perfectly well-calculated. I breathe manipulation. I live a life of deceit. Everyone around me is either a friend or foe. And by friend, I mean a useful catapult to raise me to the peak I aim for. By foe, I mean…practically everyone else.

I dream of power. Robert Greene is my master. I thread the path fore-taken by my glory-hungry predecessors. Make me your Faculty President and I will buy a car before I leave office. Make me your Hall Administrator-General and I will throw your hall into confusion. Make me your Departmental President and I will use your dues to give my girlfriend a nice treat. Elect me as a representative at the Senate, all I will do is sleep at sittings and remind people that I am an “honourable”. Make me your Students’ Union President and I will become the Bill Gates of University of Ibadan. I am the reason Assistant Hall Wardens now “have” to be co-signatories to hall accounts. I am the cause of the profligacy that has corrupted the system. I am the reason the Management has turned itself into a watchdog checking student excesses.

Listen fool, I am the chief cause of your decadence on campus. I am great at defamation. I am deft at spreading false rumours about whoever opposes me. I am the lord of social media propaganda. Anti-intellectualism is my niche. I am great at ripping off quotes from the internet for my campaign poster even if they do not relate to my post, because…why not? I will fill up your Whatsapp inbox with broadcast messages. I use the same tired old clichés as my slogan or running platform: Team Radicalism etcetera. I do not intend to actually work on any of these things. My God, no! But one has to “package” himself, right?

During elections, I am as visible as the cameraman’s shadow in a bad Nollywood movie (aka every Nollywood movie). After my victory, I am as elusive as Santa Claus. Once I get what I want from you. Good bye. Thank you very much, nice doing business with you. Time to focus on how to get my money back. Wondering how I could be so corrupt? Could you be more naïve? Buratai and Bode George have nothing on me. I make mainstream politicians look like nuns. Oh yes, you have to believe it. I am that nasty and mischievous.

Please, by politician, I do not mean whoever contests for or holds office. I speak of the greedy ones like me. I want power. I want glory. I want money. Your money. Chasing personal goals with a ruthless dedication is the fibre with which my bones are made. I am fire. I am my own light. Try to attack me, you will be set aflame. Get too close to me, you will be set aflame. I am a raging volatility. I am a fiend dressed like a friend. That’s right. I am a bloody politician!