The Demon Monkey, The Dwarf, The Halfman, The Imp, The Lord of Casterly Rock, The Master of Coin, The Hand of the King, The Hand of the Queen.

You have become so automated to the above italicised honorifics that you probably stopped at “The Halfman” and either jumped straight to this part of this write-up or recited the remaining sequence offhand; or you probably did not bother because you have never seen an episode of the Game of Thrones television series nor beheld the hardcover of the novel-A song of Fire and Ice. Whichever category you fall under, stop here and reread that eulogy word by word.

If you have, welcome back. Now, you ought to have noticed the connotative symbolisms underlining the arrangement of the title. It goes from derogatory and berating to edifying and eulogistic. Through the extensive employment of the flash back technique in the series, it has been revealed to us the reasoning behind the first four titles involuntarily adopted by Tyrion Lannister. Credit to his hideous infant anatomy, he was christened Demon Monkey. Upon subsequent disillusionment that he was indeed not of the devil, Dwarf was fair a compensation. Humans may not grow tall, but they grow old; he became The Halfman as a youth. The Imp was salt on his wounds. The idea is that he bore these titles for some time while his status went through the refinery with fragments of these insults clinging fast to his hair.

Nevertheless, the accumulation of the latter four accolades, some a privilege of nobility and some through self-worth and acquisition are a product of a particular pivotal element. In a fictive realm characterized by war, conquest, sorcery and mutual hate and suspicion, an embarrassingly disadvantageous height played a major role in longevity of life. The author of the novel from which the series was adapted and the producers of the movie have however depicted that you can live just comfortably with the total body height of a femur. This is evident in the use of dwarfs as actors for entertainment in royal festivities as depicted in the wedding ceremony of the young King Joffrey Lannister to Lady Margery Tyrell and for common stage plays as depicted in scenes of Arya Stark’s encounter with the popular circus in The Free City of Bravos.

But, when blue flows in your blood and you, indirectly and passively charged with matricide, are a notorious cynic and alcoholic, your existence is as directly proportional to your length when your irate family is in power and is unhealthily loathed by a fine majority of the whole realm.

So if you were Tyrion Lannister, what would you do to stay alive? You would simply do just what Tyrion Lannister did to stay alive. Two things. First, in an age when documentation of facts and figure and relatively cheap accompanying literacy was obtainable, you would digest as much information as you can. Next, you would begin to synchronise your procured information with every situation and speak your way out of untimely death. You lie, you sweet-talk, you logically debate, you shout, you laugh, you keep silent, you interject. You do it all with the swagger of a prince. Every vowel and consonant must be carefully calculated to ensure that you are never required to pick up a metal for defence or offence. Remember the battle of the Lannisters against Stannis’ army? The great wisdom of Tyrion saw half of Stannis’ ships blown to smithereens. When, however he stepped on the battlefield, he did not last three minutes on my VLC media player before he was slashed down. Hence, the scar across his face which he wore with an odd mixture of pride and shame throughout the rest of the series as seen in the picture above.

How far can talking take you? Lord Tyrion talked his way out of being turned to toast by two dragons although the popular opinion remains the theorem that the beasts ignored him because they found his body mass index too ignoble to supply any substantial nutrients for their digestion; Lord Tyrion talked his way out of a formal death sentence twice. Remember the more famous trial for treason chaired by his own father, Tywin Lannister? “…I DEMAND A TRIAL BY COMBAT”? How smart and heroic was that? He talked his way to the hand of the king. He talked it to the hand of the queen. While others fought and fought, he talked and talked.

How do you talk like Tyrion? Nobody is a born public speaker. We only have passionate and diligent public speakers and indifferent and indolent ones. A good majority of the best paying jobs are those done speaking and without physical exertion of the muscles. Your lecturers come to the class to state back what they have read. Nigerian senators sit and speak for a few hours and go home with sitting (speaking) allowance. Lawyers talk for hours to get paid. The judge recites his judgement. Eminem made millions over the recent arrhythmic Donald Trump rap-freestyle diss as we streamed and cheered. Pastors speak the word of God and you drop your tithes and offerings. God created this world by just speaking. But these adults do not just go on a stage to talk – except God, of course. They’d have obtained prior intensive information and when they work those voice boxes, the speech comes seasoned with salt. Tyrion Lannister is a good talker because he is a zealous reader. The Art of Tyrion Lannister is The Art of Speaking. You want to be as sarcastic, smart and cynical? Read ten pages of a typewritten material with a 12 font size for every two sentences you SPEAK.

NEWCHILD

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